Thanks for sharing your outline and draft essay. It’s a good start, but I think there are a number of areas where you could make some improvements. Here are a few recommendations:
1. For this prompt, a strong essay will answer the following question: “What were the most important factors contributing to this historical process (the decline of the unions), and what events were the decisive turning points?”
- Right now it is difficult to know what your answer is to this question. Can you isolate and identify 3 factors that you think contributed to the decline of unions? Once you do, try devoting 2 paragraphs to each factor. And make sure that you list out the three factors in your thesis statement (in your introduction) to make sure that the reader knows what to expect.
- It sounds like you think one of the factors for the decline is the discrimination within unions (which I think you could build a strong argument around). Whatever you decide for your 3 factors, just make sure that you provide specific pieces of historical evidence to back up your claims.
- Also, make sure you address whether or not you think that labor leaders/rank and file activists could have stopped the decline, or whether you think it was beyond their control.
2. Right now your essay is too long. It should be 5-6 pages. Remember that it is much better to have a tight, crisp paper that is to the point than one that has too much information and is hard to follow.
3. If you can, see if someone at the writing center can take a look at your paper before you submit it. There are a number of vocab issues, which could be good to clean up. When in doubt, always choose a simple, straight-forward way of expressing your thoughts, rather than risk using a word that might confuse the reader.